When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. 2. Are you getting bored? Your breasts after your baby stops nursing cold turkey. Someone else must have shot the Lion. Then she asked crying: Stop! Being pregnant is an occupational hazard of being a wife. Queen Victoria, Theres a whole birthing plan, but what is the plan other than to get it out? Its sad how my friend was struck from the medical register for sleeping with a patient. 14. By sitting in an audience and listening to someone reel off edgy joke after edgy joke, we can laugh without fear and allow our stresses to melt away. How is being pregnant like being a kid again? A woman goes into labor with her child. Are you crying alone in your car, listening to a stupid Bette Midler song? Only for 20 seconds, though, and only once. Like a superhero. Wife: What did the fertility doctor say? One prick and it is gone forever. Not if you change the babys diaper very quickly. First off, dark jokes take subjects that are considered either offensive or uncomfortable and turn them into a joke. Whats the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman? Great article and quite a few zingers in there!Some are like poetry! If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my best friends would still be alive. The same way pleasure and pain can flirt their way through life together, dark humor and jokes of a sexual nature are a near-perfect pair. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. Then the pharmacist asks: Which one you want? 2023 thecoolist.com - All Rights Reserved, TheCoolist.com is operated by Bon Ventures SRL, a registered company in Romania (Company No. Yes, but youll have an even better chance if he wears nothing at all. After a while, she leaned over and asked, Which one is yours?. I'll be like Mary. Dont think its yours just because you marked it with your urine! , I want drugs, massive amounts of drugs. You better be committed. Elizabeth Gilbert, There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it. Chinese Proverb, If pregnancy were a book, they would cut the last two chapters. Nora Ephron, Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething. Mark Twain, Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes. Joyce Armor, God, my brain really goes to mush when Im pregnant. Kate Winslet, Love is all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets pregnant. Jim Cole, I can smell electricity. What should a joke have in common with a pregnancy? Ans: But its certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool. When a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town. I went into the subway. But donate five, and suddenly everyone is yelling. My erection has just recovered! With any luck, right after he finishes college. Sports On your cheat day! You can tell them baby jokes now. But the list goes on and on when it comes to cravings that moms-to-be desire. Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day, and buy tickets to live shows at our comedy clubs. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. Get your whole family laughing with dad jokes, mom jokes, sister jokes, and brother jokes. Oh, no, the new mother thinks. Everything. 6. Can you please hold my hand?. "And the boy?" Somewhere during my pregnancy, I gained something like nine pounds in two weeks and my doctor was like, You know what it might be? Im never having kids, they take 9 months to download!, Take the toothpaste and go brush in the room, I have to pee! *1 minute later* WHEREs THE TOOTHPASTE?!. 84. Its too early for me to get married. . 41. What bird helps prevent pregnancy? They're usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable. Movie Characters I now live in constant fear. "Your brother named them." When people arent sure whether to congratulate you or hand you some Gas-X. Brain Teaser Cremation. Guy: But doctor that can't be right. So I felt sorry for her. Suddenly she replied: Then come and fry a couple for me too. 8. There are also pregnant puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls. Asia Wife: Whose is it? After all, that is a very different kettle of fish. He named the boy Jason." What do a pregnant woman and a burned cake have in common? We are just getting started.). Ans: She clearly isnt a fan of protection. You dont need a parachute to go skydiving. 85. "It's an inside joke.". They say its less traumatic for the baby because its in the water, but its certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool. 24. 556. My grief counselor died. During a show, I once asked the crowd if they were pro-guns, and the majority belted out in approval. Sam @SufficientCharm. 66. My phone number, my address, my name. You? Fair enough. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy? Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Apparently, it just changes the color of the baby. Shes not ready yet. Three-year-old: Wife: Three-year-old: Babies are lazy. Sex and sexuality are often part of a morbid humor playlist. Im pregnant. Our baby was born last week. -. Its important to have a good vocabulary. . What do you call a blonde in the freezer? "What did he say?" Read funny pregnancy jokes and jokes about pregnancy only on Jokerz. I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. I didnt think so. Onions was such a good dog. Subrata . A girl was talking with her best friend: I was at the doctor. Then he says: Heres what I advise you. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? What are their names?" Then the wife answered smiling: This is nonsense. You're not 8 months pregnant ?". She awakens and frantically calls for her doctor. They then bump it up to 20%. The sea section. A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! And God says, "Huh, not Earth again, last time I went there I got this Jewish girl pregnant and they haven't stopped talking about it since!'. Last night I accidentally told my son he was an unplanned pregnancy. I said, Nah, it's probably womb temperature. "Denise," the doctor says. Ans: *Looks at swollen feet* No! Fall Ans: If the baby can hear everything then its first words are definitely going to be an expletive. Daddy, there is a man at the door. If your babys ugly, do you want me to tell you? I dont know what that is. Keira Knightley, Being pregnant finally helped me understand what my true relationship was with my body meaning that it wasnt put on this earth to look good in a swimsuit. Amy Adams, In the pregnancy process, I have come to realize how much of the burden is on the female partner. So I wont have to worry about being invited to the baby shower. Doctor: Denise. 28. Say what you will about pedophiles. When you wake up and throw up, is it because youre nurturing a human life? 74. Just text Im pregnant! to a random number. Causes (and Solutions) to Gray Hair, Drinking in the Dark: The 18 Best Winter Beers, Complete the Look: 10 Style Accessories that turn Boring into Bold, Most Expensive Cat: 20 Feline Friends Thatll Truly Dent Your Wallet, 150 Best Dad Jokes: The Only Joke List Youll Ever Need to Embarrass Your Family, The Top 60 Dark Humor Jokes to Turn Any Conversation Awkward, Best Offensive Jokes for Around the Dinner Table. She clearly isn't a fan of protection. Ans: With any luck, right after he graduates college. Dark jokes have been traced back as far as Ancient Greece. However, many are unwilling to give in and give a laugh for fear of condemnation. Here you can find top funny Pregnancy Jokes that you can share your expecting friends. They laughed at my crayon drawing. Yours? Next patient please. What position should the baby be in while in the ninth month of pregnancy? What do you call it when youre unable to find someone to help you through your pregnancy? Your problems are my problems. The woman exclaims. What about the boy? I asked my husband to place the Oreos where I couldnt reach them.? Videos During Lockdown Each month has an average of 30 to 31 days, except the last month of pregnancy, which has 5,489,234. Now, it's seemingly been confirmed that, during the live stream, the comedian will joke about being slapped by Will Smith at the 2022 Oscars. Barbu Vacarescu 164A, Cladirea C1, 020285, Bucharest. The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Hardly. And he's packing his bag and an angel comes up and asks, "So, where are you going to go for your vacation?" During the second trimester, you can do it like a dog, and during the third trimester, you have to limit only to the wolfs style. Funny animated cart. In case youre looking to lighten your spouses mood and make her feel a bit better, here are some greatmaternity jokesthat will help you in times of need. What does it mean when the baby is born with teeth? "Hi disappointed, I'm dad." Here you can find top funny Pregnancy Jokes that you can share your expecting friends. USA A nine-month-long hostage situation where you are both the hostage and the building. I am pregnant which means I am swollen, sober, and hungry. Then she replies: Because my husband will be there. Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. And with what? A pregnant woman and her husband came to the doctor: Is it possible to have sex during pregnancy? Wife: That's AWESOME. Is there anything you should avoid while recovering from childbirth? 3. She likes to write research-based articles that are informative and relevant. Why? Peeing on a stick and preserving that stick is the start of the many disgusting things you will do as a mother. I have oneWhat the difference between a slice of pizza and a dead manA slice of pizza cant feed the whole family. How do you say unintended pregnancy in German? Two friends are talking: My wife is smart. What do you call it when two flowers have a surprise pregnancy? How did Burger King get Dairy Queen knocked up? There are two girls. Another one says: Really? It was because of a face-off in the corner. Between the morning sickness and the swollen feet, pregnancy isnt typically a laughing matter. "She's having contractions.". I thought I was doing great. When my mother was pregnant with me, she broke a gramophone disk. 30. Surprised husband asked: Dear! 8. 68. Mommy Poppins, Why dont you try squeezing something the size of a watermelon out of an opening the size of a lemon and see how hot YOU look? Look Whos Talking (1989), Im 10 days late. And theres no way you could have had it and just not noticed? Nine Months (1995). 44. You can't jelly a clown into the tiny car. 5. Husband thought: Im trying to get into her position, although Im hungry. What is the most reliable way to determine the babys sex? The look on their faces as they try to hold back their smiles will only make you laugh even harder. Wife: I'll show up pregnant and untouched by my husband. Whats the difference between me and cancer? Midwife: why? The judge gave me 15 years. I guess I was wrong about him. A pregnant mother asks her first child: Whom would you like more, a sister or a brother? To pee or not to pee is never the question. Ans: Exercising while pregnant is like eating kale. The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. What is the most common pregnancy craving? Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. WIFE: Second: No you're not, Wife:Hey Honey, I'm Pregnant If April showers bring in May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Today was the worst day of my life. Paddy replies, Ever since Ive been pregnant, I havent been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Not bad, she thinks. Fox, and many other taboo topics. Ans: Everybody has one and it just looks the same. My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. Maybe the condom broke? Whats common between hide and seek, and an unintentional pregnancy? So, she told her daughter the story. Being an orphan isn't all bad. 82. They made for devilishly uncomfortable reading. I just read that pregnant women in stressful jobs/home situations are more likely to carry female fetuses to term because male fetuses are less likely to survive that stress, and if that isnt natures subtweet I dont know what is. Kaitlyn Greenidge, Does the baby have access to my ribs? 15. How is a woman like a road? She told her: you already have the fourth child, and everything is from John! For example, cracking out a few of these during a stag night or while out with a few buddies, you should be fine. "I'm not ready, I just told you that I'm dad.". Suddenly he replied admiringly: Zin, I always respected this in you. 26. Take a look at these Funny Pregnancy Videos. 62. 10. Why do orphans like playing tennis? Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to hit you. My girlfriend, whos into astronomy, asked me how stars die. One another: I did a pregnancy test yesterday. Wife: No you're not. 1,124 VOTES. Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How do you get a nun pregnant? But, I cant remember the last time I ate a monkey. Then he replied: Youre not pregnant. my wife drank through all five months of her pregnancy. Sounds like your contractions are a few seconds apart. 5 Stages of Pregnancy: 1: Crying 2: Peeing 3: Crying because you peed 4: Peeing because you're crying 5: The toilet is your home now. On his visit this year he finds out she has given birth to twin boys. If anything, having a penchant for giggling at these dark jokes might signify that you are a very intelligent individual. Mom, Im pregnant. Pregnancy is no joke, but it definitely has its moments. To keep the vegetables cool and fresh. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach.". Chances are, theyll love them just as much as you do. Reply Retweet . And I felt terrible about it, but there was just nothing I could do I would be in the middle of saying something and Id just start burping. All the best on this journey! 25. When he encountered a bear, he still didn't realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the bear. A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, Do you have any last requests? Yes, replies the murderer. I hate having visitors. Other one asks: So how was it? "Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant" "I'm not mad, just disappointed." The librarian said: Fuck off, you wont bring it back.. Ans: For men to be the ones who get pregnant. He still feels nothing. Its great for this period of pregnancy. She asked what I wanted to name the second one. My parents are the worst. It feels like black humor is designed to make you giggle at the most inappropriate times. I hope you enjoy these funny pregnancy jokes and get your baby moving! It just changes the color of the baby. *9 months later* Wife: My water broke! It is also essential to keep in mind that while dark jokes may be offensive, they should never be used to offend. says Jo. Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? I love a hero with a twisted back story. 51. "So what are you going to do this year?" You delivered a boy and a girl!" Me, on the phone: Ok thank you. Dark humor jokes are a way of broaching topics otherwise considered out of bounds and bringing them into play. Then the man came to his wife and said angrily: Im leaving you. From silly prego humour to the underlying taboo that comes with pregnancy and motherhood, get ready to explore the comedy behind the bubbling prego belly. My dad died when we couldnt remember his blood type. Me: Oh no! The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. Heres What You Should Know. My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working.". Patient: Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?. Laughter is the best medicine, and jokes are the most effective administration method. P.S. What do you call a dog with no legs? Yes John, Im pregnant! Shed say, Knock knock, wed say, Whos there?. You also acknowledge that owing to the limited nature of communication possible on 100. Then she replies: I dont care. Mom starts to shout. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!. 46. You arent fooling anyone, youve been showing for months. 2. (However, dont worry if these jokes are not dark enough for your tastes. The journey of childbirth is filled with a range of emotions and physical exertion. Pregnant women afraid of What part of biology class? Heads, shoulders, knees, and toes. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. I don't understand it." Easy, just stand in the middle of a busy road. Moreover, if you felt guilty about laughing at some of these jokes, then you need to worry even less. Jokes about being pregnant are a great way to help your spouse feel a bit at ease. Now, I am beginning to understand why pregnant women are sent on maternity leave. My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my brother. Again, we wont be delving into specifics, but from the base level, that makes sense. 35. Interested in more content to help you through your pregnancy? "Did you know that childbirth isn't nearly as painful as it is for a man to get kicked in the balls?" How about you reincarnate as my child?" Well, a really tired, weak superhero who wants to eat all the time and isnt allowed to lift heavy objects. He's an idiot! "You're ready." 6. 20. 48. What part of biology class do pregnant women fear? Clothes are like Billie Eilish songs. "Dad, my girlfriend's pregnant." Have you ever sneezed and peed at the same time? I know a fish that can breakdance! The nurse said. the bartender asks the woman. After that, a nurse came out and told one: You have a boy. Everywhere. A wedding and a funeral struck on a street. Pregnancy is a magical experience, but it can also be awkward and hilarious. My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. Sign up for Scary Mommy's daily newsletter for more stories from the trenches. Either Im pregnant, or my gases didnt go away? Sorry, whats the quickest way to get to the hospital? What do you want? Harry! We suggest to use only working pregnant pregnant mom piadas for adults and blagues for friends. 27. Then he replies: Because I see a beard. I childproofed my house. Telephone +40 745 310 155, Naughty dark humor jokes to make you giggle, Smiling at dark humor and jokes designed to offend, TheCoolist is supported by our readers. Take your wife, hire a young secretary and go on a trip for two to three months. Are you still holding the ladder?. Is there anything I should refrain from while recovering from childbirth? Whats better than eating for two while pregnant? 40. There was a pregnant girl about 8-9 months asking for donations. What did the Titanic say as it sank? 41. She laughed. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. Mick asks, When you buy through links on our site, we may earn a commission. Without question, it was the darkest time in human history. You're ready. 19. What about the girl?" A guy called his friend: Hello, Abraham! Ill go to Moscow, climb the Crimean bridge and jump into the river. This site uses cookies to personalize ads and to analyse web traffic, for more info please review our Privacy Policy. Yes, its a hard delivery skill to pull off, but works so well with those gallows-style dark humor jokes. Dark humor is like food. The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. Benefits of Laughing During Pregnancy I didnt think so. Are you growing a human? These funny pregnancy jokes will help you pass the time and maybe even get your baby moving. When will my wife start to feel and act normal again? Because they taste funny. Anyway, thats enough of the psycho-babble. Listen, if you arent ready to have pee on your hand, then youre definitely not ready to be a mom. said the astonished lawyer. 61. I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed does anyone know CPR? I yelled, I know the entire alphabet and we all laughed and laughed. I went into the subway. 96. In order not to get pregnant from me, my girlfriend has sex with other guys. "Am I pregnant?" With any luck, right after he finishes college. A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out. The coping mechanism we mentioned above makes it possible for us to discuss otherwise hard topics. New Mother: "My brother named them? 44. I got a job at a library, but it only lasted 15 minutes. The way a joke is told is not to offend but rather to diffuse, to trivialize the overwhelmingly negative, and make it just that little more bearable. I dont want to go shopping!. He asks, "How did this happen my child?" My childbirth instructor says its not pain Ill feel during labor, but pressure. He told me to make myself at home. Humor is a very subjective thing. Africa Whats the weirdest stage of pregnancy? "How can you say that? But you need to get packing, your new parents will be here in an hour.". Ans: *9 months later* Wife: My water broke! Which is why we rounded up these hilarious pregnancy jokes and quotes that will even get the baby kicking and laughing. Then the guy replies: How? A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, Im sorry, but you only have ten left.. I'll never forget my Grandfathers last words to me just before he died. A wife found out that she was pregnant. While working as an intern for an English daily, she realised that she likes writing above anything else. Suddenly she replied: Me too. They're fine," he says. My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo. Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby. The following dark jokes are treading a fine line, a fact that only serves to make them even funnier. A rip-off. My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, Youll be next! They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals. My mother said one man's trash is another man's treasure. 2010-2023 Parenting.FirstCry.com. After hearing the phrase, Dear, I am pregnant in the morning, my friend John pretended to be asleep for two more days. So after a good number of years on this planet, why not make sure you go out with a smile. ", "What is it?" Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico. So I threw him out. TheCoolist is a mood board for your headspace. Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?" Then wife replied: This is when you lie next to me and howl. After a kidney stone, nobody says lets have another. - "But we **don't** have any child !" Furthermore, they can be delivered without warning, an act that only serves to heighten their impact. Me: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad. Turns out I'm adopted. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: "Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers". Throughout the last few years, weve all realized just how tough life can be. So I packed up my stuff and right. Not my brother. Im 20 weeks pregnant. Think about our child !" Not everybody has one. Then he replies: The wrong number dialled. Pregnant girl. "Well" I said, "If he can get out of that, we'll call him Houdini". Ans: When I found out I was pregnant, I was ecstatic! Why was the leper hockey game canceled? 52. daddy did you give mummy a baby ? He was so good, I dont even care. 31. By their very definition, dark humor jokes take the worst parts of life and make light of them. interactive elements on the site, any assistance, or response you receive is provided by the author My daughter asked me how stars die. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. Yours? Guy: Nonsense! 63. Dont let the process get to you, instead, try and enjoy it for what it is. Or, have you met with some success applying a healthy dosage of black comedy to your daily life? He: About what child? Right after you find out youre pregnant. Looking For Tips On How To Get Pregnant Fast? Ans: Why, yesin that its completely natural to take drugs to alleviate excruciating pain! When a husband came home, he saw that his wife was standing naked in front of the mirror and examining her belly. When will my baby move? No. As with everything in life, there are degrees of moderation, even when it comes to dark humor and jokes. 75. 32. Doctor: Denephew. Catholic girl goes into the confessional & says to the priest, 61. My grief counselor died. That's the power of dark humor jokes, an art form that literary critics have associated with authors as early as the ancient Greeks! Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay, and morning sickness would rank as the nations number one health problem. A wife shouts at a young servant: What, Ann, I see you are pregnant! Ans: Im never having kids, they take 9 months to download!. Often because their discussion is commonly a cause of offense. When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. Whats the last thing to go through a flys head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 miles per hour? When did you realise that you were ready to become a father? c) Crying because you peed. Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. Scanner looked at him seriously and answered with silence: Your sons gender is a girl. When things get too hard or you seem like you are feeling down, be sure to go through our list. The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake. Tips to Avoid Stress During Pregnancy, 75 Pregnancy Jokes That Are Great Stress Relievers. When people arent sure whether to congratulate you or hand you some Gas-X. Exercising while pregnant is like eating kale. *later at dinner* When does a joke become a dad joke? Whats the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model? 72. Im still thinking about the last name. 92. Then he replied: Well, okay. If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and youre a total hero. Pregnancy is only easy on some women, for others, there are pregnancy jokes. I want the maximum legal limit of drugs. , How would you like to go through life with the name Cooper Banks-Mackenzie? In fact, pregnancy can be pretty funny. Will I love my dog lesser when the baby is born? Then servant replies Me too. It doesnt have a home page. The man still felt nothing, so they go home happy until they find the milkman dead on the porch. 65. We hope you enjoyed our list of pregnant women jokesas much as we did putting it together. Workplace. 37. Let me tell you a story. 55. I said, "Well, you are in a wheelchair.". From the silly to the serious, these jokes will have you and your partner laughing all the way through your pregnancy. Mike, why do you keep calling your bungee jumping accident the pregnancy scare?. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills. Then her friend replies: You are superstitious, Lily! Between the swollen ankles and morning sickness, jokes can be a respite from all that your spouse is going through. Wife:No you're not. When it comes to humor, there is no discrimination. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh. The more my pregnancy advances, the more often I notice strangers smile at me. Below, the collection of dark humor jokes all have a slightly spicy theme to them. Ten minutes of peace and quiet. I'm really happy that my prayer worked. You know I would have married you and provided for the babies. On the bright side, all your snacks are family sized. Whats yellow and cant swim? Its important to establish a good vocabulary. Did you know that your chances of becoming pregnant are hereditary? If you pee on them, they disappear. Yet, when it comes to laughter, one style is looked up with far more disdain than others. Then she asked: Giving birth? "You had twins, a boy and a girl. Not a word. 53. She gave birth underwater! "Hmmmm. Each one is guaranteed to offend and entertain in equal measure. Do you have to squeeze a watermelon-sized person out of your lady-hole? He laughs at jokes that portray black men as sex-obsessed criminals. At a pharmacy: Please, a pregnancy test. No. The doctor brings back her test results and says, "It looks like you'll have to get used to changing diapers from now on." He impatiently squeezes my hand. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice. But apparently, theres more to the plan than that. Having a taste for dark humor jokes is no longer the social stigma that it was; much like the uncle with Tourrettes we mentioned earlier in this article, it is no longer kept as the family secret.
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